Somatics & Values

One of the topics that comes up in my client sessions a lot is the question of our values. What values are you bringing into the work today? What are the underlying values you were taught and do they continue to serve you in the ways you desire for yourself now? How do we re-examine the values handed to us with a fresh lens: reconsider their efficacy and influence on our life choices now?

I've got several digital offerings that center value work and you can find them on my Ko-fi shop here. 

Reared as a capitalist

My father taught me about the joy found in surprises, especially in the realm of creativity. He once taped plastic along the inside of our entire garage. When my birthday party began, he whipped out cans of shaving cream for everyone and we ran around blasting one another and making a mess before drawing and painting with it all over the plastic sheeting. Many times over he would carry my sibling and me into the car in the dark of night, and we would awake to the Sunshine, AC/DC blasting on the radio, and some unknown destination ahead of us (which almost always included rollercoasters).

My father also taught me how to have a "great work ethic". Over the years, I've made it an ongoing practice to unlearn these habits. I was taught to live to work (classically capitalist) but I prefer to work to live, instead. Shifting the values that have helped me get where I am today is tricky to navigate! There are pieces I strive to release entirely: but more often I strive to re-imagine their usage and formation. These days, I endeavour to work smart, not hard. I learned that I won't shy away from the work I need to do, so long as I spend most of my time navigating toward work that brings me joy. Inviting my skills of creativity has been a huge resource in this self-guidance. I often ask clients, "What would make you want that even more than you already do?" or "What would make this just 10% more comfortable?". You see, we often move toward the discomfort we know/trust before we move toward the unknown/untrusted. So when it comes to navigating my balance of work, I strive to answer these questions for myself.

From "living to work" to "working to live"

I put those ethics of hard-working-elbow-grease-bootstraps along with creativity and crafting to good use throughout my 20s. Crafting fantasies for John's and putting together dungeon spaces for IMsL and Folsom Street Fair forged my passion for creative experience creation. I was also fiddling with algorithms and exploring the crossroads of data collection and harm reduction while working at a non-profit. All while running my own business and learning about marketing, finances, and the politics of community organizing. I slept little. I had no idea how to turn off. My only two modes of operation were working hard or playing hard. Ending up homeless and doing sex work after coming out served to reinforce the lessons I learned at a young age.

After I stopped sex work and closed up my adult play space, I used the money I saved to finish my Psychology degree. That spurred me into years of case management and harm reduction work with houseless veterans and families. Knowing this would eventually burn me out, I started offering marketing for queer and women-owned small businesses. I'd learned so much by bumping my head around in the dark (literally as a sex worker) and in my volunteer work as a community organizer. 

These side hustles led me to my degree in Digital Marketing plus coding school -- all in the hopes of a San Francisco living wage! I knew I could either blow a decade on therapy or 2 years in graduate school to finally hush the incessant voice of my father telling me to go after a higher degree. I took the short route and worked 1.5 jobs those two years so I wouldn't come out with education debt. Big thanks to my housemates, lovers, and life partner who all supported my ridiculous work endeavors and incessant calendaring throughout those years.

Fast forward 7 years (we will get into the meat of this alchemization another day but suffice to say, value re-assessment is the backbone of this transformation): I've come back around to sex work, and now I get to use truckloads of transferable skills offering erotic coaching, trauma stewardship, and scar care. I'm living my dream: working with my body in ways that benefit my communities! Plus, I get to nerd out about somatics, neurodivergence, gender fuckery, and fascia. You know what I don't do: sit at my computer. Hardly ever. I needed to be away from it for years -- recovery time to root into flesh, sink into shadow work and swirl with my paint brushes again. And yet...writing is calling to me again. Here I am, sitting at a screen, typing away, visual timer in front of me. For that, I'm giddy and nervous, both.

Shifting values

We often turn the ship around on entrenched values through the use of somatics along with parts theory. For me, I like the imagery and cognitive understanding that a value is a vine, creeping and winding its way through even the smallest of cracks. This means it can show up in any area I may be tending (so I should be diligent in watching for it, like a morning glory twirling its way around a single blade of grass only to overcome the thicket in a matter of weeks). Especially those that were planted when we were children, that we've allowed to flourish in some ways. Noticing this vine (let's say it's my father's value of hard work), looks like having an appreciation for noticing that I sat down and jammed out several hours of work in one shot. It's also noticing that my body is stiff and sore, my shoulders are tight and I'll be paying the price for that "one-shot" without stretch breaks, over the next two days. So what practices can I put in place to both appreciate this work and do so in a sustainable way that brings me joy?

A. notice that I need a break

I use a visual timer and give myself 25m sprints. I find this is long enough for my brain (with ADHD meds on board) to focus in, and short enough to ensure my body gets the movement it needs. Does that do the trick? Nope. I usually want to finish what I'm doing more than I want to move my body! But I make myself take my hands off the keyboard, and check in with my body. It tells me to move.

B. WANT to move

But I need to want to move towards that physical movement more than the dopamine of my task completions. So I often will lay out my yoga mat, a soft blanket, and snacks in advance -- and if I'm on the mat stretching, I reward myself with some scrolling or an audiobook. This works best if I'm in the 2nd half of my cycle when I'm more likely to want to slow down and be held on my mat. Sometimes I use household chores to prompt me: switch out the laundry, scrub a pan, or change the sheets. This is more helpful on days I'm full of energy (1st half of my cycle, lots of coffee, anxiety or excitement about something, etc) because caring for my home does, in fact, bring me joy.

Doing value work

You might want to assess your gendering values with the Cosmic Shape of Your Gender or perhaps you want to usurp traditional D/s power structures by checking in on your Leather Values. You can come in a work with me 1:1 to do value work around your erotic desires and non-monogamy navigations too: schedule a session or an exploratory call.